Breaking the Habit of "Make Sure-ing": How Letting Go Builds Trust and Confidence
The Subtle Trap of Make Sure-ing
In our daily interactions, we often find ourselves engaging in a behavior that seems helpful on the surface but can be detrimental in the long run: make sure-ing. This term, coined by Dr. Jennifer Dragonette, refers to the act of trying to control or influence outcomes for others, sometimes without realizing the impact it has on our relationships and emotional well-being.
Make sure-ing can manifest in different areas of our lives—from personal relationships to workplace interactions. It often stems from good intentions, but when overdone, it can undermine trust, erode self-reliance, and create unnecessary stress. By understanding the roots of this behavior and adopting healthier alternatives, we can improve both our own emotional balance and our connections with others.
The Origin of Make Sure-ing
The idea of make sure-ing originated from a simple yet profound observation in Dr. Dragonette’s household. She noticed her three-year-old son anxiously circling his younger sibling, saying, “I have to make sure he doesn’t fall.” While the intent was protective, this innocent act mirrored a common adult behavior—trying to control or safeguard situations for others beyond what is necessary or even possible.
This behavior, when translated into adult relationships, often takes the form of frequent reminders, unsolicited advice, or micromanagement. While these actions are typically well-meaning, they can subtly communicate a lack of confidence in others, making them feel incapable or untrusted.
How Make Sure-ing Shows Up in Daily Life
Make sure-ing can be seen in various aspects of life, particularly in close relationships and workplace dynamics. Some common examples include:
Reminding a partner multiple times about a responsibility, unintentionally signaling that you don’t trust them to remember.
Following up excessively with a coworker on a task, potentially implying they aren’t competent enough to handle it alone.
Trying to preemptively manage someone’s emotional reaction by saying, “I just want to make sure you’re not upset.”
Overexplaining or double-checking simple tasks, which can feel condescending to the recipient.
While make sure-ing often comes from a place of care and concern, it can create unintended friction in relationships. The key is learning when support is necessary and when it’s more beneficial to step back and allow others to navigate challenges on their own.
The Hidden Costs of Make Sure-ing
Despite its good intentions, make sure-ing can have unintended negative consequences, including:
1. Undermining Trust and Competence
Constant reminders and interventions can make people feel incapable, fostering dependency rather than self-reliance. If someone repeatedly hears, “I just want to make sure you…” it can erode their confidence over time.
2. Creating Unnecessary Stress and Resentment
Make sure-ing often places a burden on both parties. The person engaging in it feels responsible for outcomes beyond their control, while the recipient may feel micromanaged or infantilized.
3. Damaging Communication
Excessive make sure-ing can shift interactions from genuine conversations to transactional exchanges driven by doubt or anxiety. Instead of fostering openness, it can make the other person feel policed.
The Role of Make Sure-ing in Parenting
Make sure-ing is particularly prevalent in parenting. While young children need constant guidance, over-involvement as they grow can stifle independence.
For example, a parent might remind a middle schooler every morning to pack their homework, rather than letting them face the natural consequence of forgetting it once. While it’s difficult to see a child struggle, allowing them to learn from small failures builds resilience and responsibility.
Instead of make sure-ing, a more effective approach is to shift towards empowering statements, such as:
“What’s your plan for remembering your homework?”
“How do you think you can prepare for your test?”
“I trust you to handle this, but I’m here if you need help.”
This approach fosters self-efficacy, teaching children to take ownership of their responsibilities rather than relying on external reminders.
Make Sure-ing in Professional Settings
This behavior isn’t limited to personal relationships—it frequently appears in the workplace as well. A manager who constantly checks in on an employee’s progress may unintentionally communicate distrust. Similarly, an employee who over-clarifies every decision with their boss might seem insecure in their abilities.
The antidote? Clear expectations and trust. Instead of checking in with, “I just want to make sure you’re on top of this,” try:
“Let me know if you need anything from me to move forward.”
“I trust you to handle this—let me know if you run into challenges.”
Shifting from control to collaboration can foster autonomy and a more confident work environment.
How to Break the Cycle of Make Sure-ing
If you recognize yourself engaging in make sure-ing, here are actionable steps to shift toward healthier interactions:
1. Reflect on Your Intentions
Before reminding someone or intervening, ask yourself:
Am I doing this to be helpful, or am I trying to control the outcome?
Is this something they can handle on their own?
Would it be more beneficial for them to experience the natural consequences?
2. Validate Instead of Reassure
Instead of trying to manage someone’s emotions, practice validation. Instead of saying, “Don’t stress, everything will be fine,” try:
“I can see why this is difficult for you.”
“It’s understandable to feel this way.”
Validation acknowledges emotions without trying to fix or change them.
3. Ask Before Offering Help
Rather than assuming what someone needs, simply ask: “How can I support you?” This small shift promotes autonomy while still offering assistance.
4. Hold Competing Thoughts
People can feel both overwhelmed and capable at the same time. Recognizing that multiple emotions can coexist allows for a more balanced perspective.
5. Let Go of Outcomes Beyond Your Control
Not everything needs to be managed or ensured. Trusting others to handle their responsibilities fosters stronger relationships and greater personal peace.
The Power of Letting Go
Make sure-ing often originates from a place of love and concern, but unchecked, it can create unnecessary stress and erode confidence in others. By shifting from control to trust, we not only strengthen our relationships but also cultivate a greater sense of ease in our own lives.
The next time you feel the urge to make sure something gets done, pause and ask yourself: Is this truly my responsibility, or is it an opportunity for someone else to grow?
By making this shift, we can foster more supportive, trusting, and empowered relationships—at home, at work, and within ourselves.